april 20, 2021

another layer of freedom. 

more and more and more freedom. 

this morning i woke up to another day of staying home from ministry. i haven't been feeling well and i'm going to the doctor this evening! with so much time on my hands i've been sitting with the Lord, and asking lots of questions. 

about a month ago i drew this bookshelf in my notebook with all my 'stuff' on it. i was sorting through so many different situations and emotions in my life, so i decided to stack all of it on a bookshelf. flash forward a couple weeks and i'm sitting with carter groves (one of my squad leaders), talking about this bookshelf. in the conversation i realized that the bookshelf was really just me trying to figure out my life, rather than surrendering and letting HIM work things through me. 

long story short, the Lord knocked my bookshelf over. my whole life was a mess at my feet and i didn't know what to do about it. so i sat. i sat in the mess and sat with the Lord. 

that's where i've been for a while now, sorting through each book as it's come. 

with this, i've seen some old lies and memories in my life that i haven't healed from. bitter wounds that still sting. but instead of taking them out of the dark, i've let them sit and hurt. i've hidden them. 

today with my time off i had nothing to do. my only commitment for the day is my appointment.

so i sat. i sat and thought and prayed and talked to jesus.

He brought up a memory. a memory that didn't feel too good and one i didn't want to sit on. but HE wanted me to sit on it, pray on it, and heal FROM it. 

so i found myself on the bottom bunk in my room, notebook open, and ears ready to listen. 

suddenly i was remembering things and realizing how many lies i still believed about myself. He began to redeem and restore. He brought light and truth. 

i forgave people. i forgave myself. i found God in the moments where i felt farthest from Him. 

at the end He told me to burn up my shame. literally burn it. 

i ran from my room to find nicole. i knew she needed to be in on this chain-breaking moment. we grabbed the first lighter we saw... but it didn't work. 

next, we ran to the kitchen for another... but couldn't find one. 

we found carter groves and he ran to the room to find a squadmates lighter (thanks carti!). even then, the lighter wouldn't work on the basketball court because of wind! the process was drawn out and kind of annoying - i just want to burn up the shame and let her go!!

FINALLY we make it back to the kitchen. we watched the shame burn. 

and how cool that it was a process. our lies don't always disappear over night. it takes time. there are steps to take and things to push through. maybe it'll take a minute to find the lie, to find the lighter, or to believe that it's even gone. 

push through.

get to the lie and burn it up.

there is freedom waiting on the other side.