my fear of the ocean.

Today I tried ‘surfing’ for the first time. I wouldn’t really call it surfing…

Anywho, I did make it past the break and in the water! 

As I struggled to swim to shore a rush of fear washed over me that I hadn’t felt in a while. I almost stopped swimming and my body wanted to give up. In that moment I had to choose to give into the waves or stop fighting.

With that being said, I finally made it back to shore, where the Lord gave me quite the revelation. He also gave me permission to write this blog, and tell you about a tattoo I got in Costa Rica. 

You might be asking how the ocean and a tattoo from Costa could be correlated. I promise you they are…

At the beginning of launch in January the Lord began speaking the ocean over my life. I attended a new church while at home for break and a woman prophesied “ocean” over my life while in prayer. 

Since then, my world has changed. The squad traveled to Costa Rica, started ministry, and did the thing! And now, here we are in the Dominican Republic with about a month left of the race. 

As the days went on I continued to receive words from my team, the squad, strangers, and the Lord about water, drowning in His love, dancing on waves, and more. Even in this I wasn’t sure what He wanted me to learn. 

Another important part to the story is this: I’m afraid of the ocean. It’s wide and vast, we don’t know anything about it, and you can never see what’s swimming beneath you! Also a slight fear of sharks…

The day both worlds collided (all these prophetic words with my fear of the ocean) was during an adventure day in February to Manuel Antonio. My team mate Syd asked me to swim out in the deep with her and I was very against it. I tend to stay near the sand, where I can still see my toes if I look down. 

Most of the squad was hanging out in the water and I decided to join. I was growing more comfortable, considering everyone was there and the waves were minimal. 

Feeling a bit risky, I slowly swam farther and farther away from the sand and people. I was out in the deep – a victory in my book! 

This moment really unlocked something in me – not only an ACTUAL love for the beach, but it began to tie loose ends together of all these words that had been spoken over me. 

I realized this: The Lord loves me. And this love that He has for me in not a little wave. It’s not complacent or stagnant. This LOVE is a wave crashing over me, enveloping me in the salt and water of grace. It’s overwhelming mercy and redemption. 

And so… I got a wave tattooed on my arm. I had me gal Layna Jean draw it up on her iPad and was headed to the shop by the end of the month. Now I get to share the story of His love. How I’m dancing in it always. How it wraps up the whole Church in one big current. 

::

So why share the story now? 

Today the squad headed out to La Encuentra, a surf beach here in the Dominican Republic. We’ve gone a couple times and I usually stick my feet in the water and lay out with a good book… which is fine by me.

But today I wanted to try something new – surfing!! Never done it before, and have never had the chance! Of course, catching a wave wasn’t in the near future, but I had the goal of swimming past the break – that would be my new victory!

So I grabbed a surf board way past my skill level, strapped it to my ankle, and headed down the beach. I also had no instruction but ended up running into my squad mate Wesley. That would be a big blessing because we switched boards (thanks God!) and swam out together. Learned a few things, sat on the board, and swam around – thriving, right?

Nope.

Next thing ya know, it’s time to swim back to shore. What I thought would be easy turned out to be extremely exhausting. I hadn’t been out long but my body hurt and the current was picking up. Slipped off the board I found myself in a less desirable situation. Wes turned back to ask if I was good and of course said I was fine (yikes…). It was either the big blue ocean or safety of sand ahead at this point. 

I took all the energy I had left and started paddling again. Wes took the board until we made it far enough in that the waves gently pushed me back to shore. 

I felt a bit defeated, despite the fact that I had just done what I set out to do from the beginning! 

Later I sat in the sand and thought about this. 

I thought I was over this fear. Why had I been so scared, knowing either way I’d be okay and make it back. 

Turns out, fears don’t disappear overnight. But even in those moments when you feel a bit overwhelmed, there is still authority and strength. I remember being out there on the surfboard telling myself I was a strong woman (period!) right before I started paddling again. 

And that is true. In my weakness, He is strong – therefore that strength is graciously given to me! 

Either way, my fear is conquered. Will I have days where maybe it doesn’t feel like it? Of course! But now, even in the midst, there is hope and assurance on the way.

Just in the way my tattoo is a daily reminder of His love for me, I also get to share that authority and confidence with my daily circumstance and people I run into. 

Thanks God for ocean waves and DEEP revelations.